chronic illness Archives - Ailish Sinclair

April 19, 2023July 3, 2023

Crying While Writing: anyone else do this?

Crying while writing: Star of Bethlehem flowers — Star of Bethlehem in the meadow

Crying while writing. Crying while editing. And even crying while thinking about writing, as the scenes, both happy and sad, play out in my mind. It’s no wonder I’m sometimes dehydrated!

So, am I the only one?

Tell me I’m not.

I can’t be.

Emotive writing is, just that. Springing from emotion. Causing of emotions. If the writer isn’t fully immersed, how can the reader ever be?

crying while writing: Rhododendron flowers on the pink bench — Rhododendron flowers on the pink bench

Marketing

But then, I read other things, sensible things really. Like, when we market our books, they should be regarded as ‘products’ and we should not be emotionally attached to them. This is meant to work well. It makes better ‘business’ sense. And we should write to a ‘market’ and design covers to a genre stereotype. The first one I can maybe manage, at least while marketing, but certainly not while writing. The rest, no. It all flows fast and organically out of me and I have no choice but to go where my heart takes me.

So. I sob on. The latest line, from SISTERS, to set me off was: In the midst of great loss, the newness of a baby helps.

Floods.

Breathlessness.

I’m welling up just looking at the line now, overcome by all that it references.

Editing

This emotional aspect of writing is one of the many reasons good, thorough, even brutal, editing is so important. We, or at least I, need someone less attached, someone who did not write the words and scenes, to look at the work objectively and say: this could be better, this is not clear, were you under the influence of one of your stronger prescription drugs when you wrote this? Because in our, or my, invested blubbering state, we might not see it. We might not know.

The book is on its way back for edit three soon (GWL did spoil me with their three editing process, and I won’t do less now), so all is well there.

It is possible that illness is making me worse, crying-wise. I feel a bit pathetic and vulnerable. But that will pass. I will get stronger again. And you’ll get nice sensible and scenic posts about castles and standing stones 🙂

But for now, I recover – from both medical conditions and writing – in the garden. Among the flowers. With a candle.

crying while writing, a candle outside — Lovely soothing candle from Tilly’s Candle Shop… sniff…

Giveaway

On a happier note, one that doesn’t make me cry anyway: I’m doing a signed book giveaway over on Instagram. See it here. It runs all week (June 19th- 26th 2022) with one of each book up for grabs and it’s a worldwide competition.

FIREFLIES AND CHOCOLATE was inspired by the 18th century kidnapped children of Aberdeen.

Set in an Aberdeenshire castle, THE MERMAID AND THE BEAR features the Scottish witchcraft accusations and a love story.

Paperbacks and kindle: Amazon UK or Amazon Worldwide

“Filled with excitement and suspense…” Historical Novel Society Editor’s Pick

About page updated

April 17, 2023August 18, 2023

Holiday in a Day: Coast, Garden, Well, Forest

holiday in a day: window by Portsoy Harbour — Window by Portsoy Harbour

Originally posted August 2022. I went out for the day. I ended up visiting so many places that it felt like having a whole holiday in a day. It’s been a really long time since I did this. There’s been wee local trips here and there since this latest bout of illness. But it’s been years, literally, since I’ve been out in this way. Other ill times and lockdowns all stopped play for me in this regard.

I didn’t know how far I’d get, so just took one small step of the journey at a time, sharing on Twitter and Instagram as I went.

Holiday in a Day: the Red Well

First was the Red Well by Whitehills. I won’t write about it now as it features in SISTERS and deserves its own post (see that post here). It was beautiful, though, and provided a gentle start to the outing.

Portsoy Harbour

A little further up the coast, I came to the wonderfully scenic Portsoy Harbour, its window and dolphin sculpture also pictured above.

Speymouth Forest

The trip was going well, so on I went, and soon reached deep and dark Speymouth Forest.

I didn’t walk far, but there was so much beauty to be seen everywhere in the old woodland.

Lots of little pathways.

Biblical Garden

On and on I travelled, still feeling good. I took a walk in the Biblical Garden at Elgin. This garden contains 110 plants that are mentioned in the bible. It’s an interesting and peaceful place to visit, maintained by the horticultural students of Moray College.

Samson:

A rainbow:

Then the fear kicked in. Two competing fears actually. One that I might exhaust myself back into being ill, and the other that I might become ill again so should do as much as possible in one day.

I compromised by sitting quietly by the sea at Sandend for a while before heading home.

Holiday in a Day: Sandend — Note the jumping and boating people in the background!

TikTok

I made a short TikTok video of the day. I am new on there and really don’t know what I’m doing yet. Any advice welcome!

Sisters at the Edge of the World

Set in 1st century Scotland, SISTERS AT THE EDGE OF THE WORLD includes the battle of Mons Graupius between the Romans and the Caledonian tribes. The book features a neurodivergent main character and some rather complicated romance…

“Ethereal and spellbinding….” Historical Novel Society

Amazon UK

Amazon Worldwide

See the article Roman Aberdeenshire features in author’s new book from Grampian Online.

More Books

Set in an Aberdeenshire castle, THE MERMAID AND THE BEAR features the Scottish witchcraft accusations, a handsome Laird, an ancient stone circle and a love story.

FIREFLIES AND CHOCOLATE was inspired by the 18th century kidnapped children of Aberdeen and is set in both Scotland and Colonial Pennsylvania.

Paperbacks and kindle: Amazon UK or Amazon Worldwide

“Filled with excitement and suspense…” Historical Novel Society

See my About Page here

Go here to sign up for my occasional emails that always include some exclusive photos and news of my writing and life. If you would rather just hear about new books and offers, you can follow my Amazon author page.

Tip Jar

April 7, 2023August 8, 2023

Blue Mind and Bare Feet on Pink Rocks

Blue MInd at New Aberdour Beach in Aberdeenshire

The term ‘blue mind’ describes the mild meditative state that we enter when in or close to natural bodies of water. It was coined by marine biologist Dr. Wallace J. Nichols. He wrote a book on the subject and did a Ted Talk too:

So ‘blue mind’ in mind, and encouraged by my wee trip to Rosehearty Harbour, I ventured out again. Travelling slightly further this time, I arrived at New Aberdour beach where everything was blue, blue, blue…

Blue Mind to Pink Rocks

Feet bare, I sat on the pink rocks and stared out to sea.

I saw stones and pools and pink, lots of pink everywhere.

I used the transition from blue to pink in this post to symbolise levels of pain.

But in this context, the blue of ‘blue mind’ was not pain. It was perfect.

So I stared out over the rock pools.

And breathed in the blue of the sea.

And, hopefully, now, healing comes…

A coastal quote from SISTERS

I am just looking at the soft shapes of land, and the hard shapes of rock, as they drop away into the sea. No in-between places up on top here. No beach, no marsh. Here the space between life and death is painted clear. You could be walking on grass one moment and dead on the rocks the next. This is a place of instant transition from one state to another.

There’s more ‘blue mind’ photos in the older post Going Coastal.

Set in 1st century Northern Scotland, SISTERS AT THE EDGE OF THE WORLD is a story of chosen sisters, fierce warriors, divided loyalties and, ultimately, love. It features a neurodivergent main character, the battle of Mons Graupius between the Romans and the Caledonian tribes, and some rather complicated romance!

Amazon UK

Amazon Worldwide

“Ethereal and spellbinding….” Historical Novel Society

Read the article Roman Aberdeenshire features in author’s new book from Grampian Online.

About Page

Read about little old me here

Go here to sign up for my occasional emails that always include exclusive photos and news of my writing and life. They’re a more intimate space than the blog. If you would like to hear about new books and offers, you can follow my Amazon author page.

Writer’s Tip Jar

March 25, 2023August 25, 2023

Diabolical and Deranged: Writing and Blood

Diabolical and deranged. These are words that have been said about me, or aspects of me, in the last few days. I like diabolical the best. My editor said it about the plot twists in CABRIOLE (book 2 of A Dancer’s Journey series). And she’s right. They are diabolical. And now they’re making other people cry too, not just me. It feels a little wrong to be delighted about such a thing, but it shows that the book is ticking the proper emotional boxes. So, I’m pleased. And diabolical.

Update

The books are available to pre-order now!

Series on Amazon UK

Series on Amazon worldwide

Page with blurbs and quotes

And Deranged?

It’s not my mind that’s deranged, but my blood. So I was told by a specialist nurse this week. And that’s not so much fun. There are to be more tests. And treatment. And, hopefully, my blood will arrange itself in a more pleasing manner soon.

Some Diabolical and Deranged Street Art

I rather like the side of this wee cottage in Fraserburgh. Great movement and verve there from the artist.

Sisters at the Edge of the World

Amazon UK

Amazon Worldwide

Read the article Roman Aberdeenshire features in author’s new book from Grampian Online.

Go here to sign up for occasional emails that always include some exclusive photos and news of my writing and life. They’re a more intimate space than the blog. If you would rather just hear about new books and offers, you can follow my Amazon author page.

My About Page

Read my bio and see all the social links and articles here.

Writer’s Tip Jar

March 15, 2023August 25, 2023

Spoonie Days, a Pink Sunrise and Snowy Spring

That was a beautiful pink sunrise a few weeks ago over a local doocot. Before I got ill. And spoonie time started. Again. Sigh.

Having revelled my way through the beauty of winter, celebrating the fact I was staying so well, I have been struck down once more. But I’ve been a lot worse. And I’m not in hospital, so that’s good. And, as my appearance here today shows, the medication is starting to kick in.

Spoonie Days

I have managed to keep up my writing schedule. My first spoon of the day goes on that. There’s quite a good explanation of the term spoonie here. Basically, spoons represent the energy you have for tasks and activities each day. And with chronic illness, the spoons can be very limited.

A Dancer’s Journey Series

These books are long, and involved. They’re rather a Magnum Opus at over 100,000 words each. They’re all at different stages of the editing/proofing process. I’m so enjoying working with all the editing feedback and bringing them together into something strange, intense and, hopefully, beautiful. So they will still be out this year. I will not stop till they’re done. Update: Amazon!

But that’s my blogging spoon spent. For today. I’ll leave you with the scene that greets me most mornings at the moment… I’m not sure what happened to spring!

My Books

Historical Fiction from Ailish Sinclair. Witches, kidnapping, Romans and romance.

SISTERS AT THE EDGE OF THE WORLD opens on a snowy winter solstice in 1st century Scotland. The main character is neurodivergent, and has been non-verbal until that first scene of the book.
If you like castles, Scotland, history, witches, stone circles and Christmas done medieval-style, you might like THE MERMAID AND THE BEAR. There’s also a love story.
FIREFLIES AND CHOCOLATE was inspired by the kidnapped children of 18th century Aberdeen, and is set in both Scotland and Colonial Pennsylvania.

They’re all available in paperback, kindle and on kindle unlimited.

Amazon UK

Amazon Worldwide

Newsletter and Updates

Writer’s Tip Jar

February 28, 2023July 3, 2023

Loch Morlich: big blog, little blog

The Cairngorm mountains beyond Loch Morlich

Beautiful Loch Morlich, Cairngorms beyond, still with patches of snow in June.

Little Blog Written by Loch Morlich

This blog was originally sent from holiday in June 2019. I was completely depleted by my autoimmune conditions, at that point undiagnosed, and spent most of the holiday lying in bed reading books.

Honesty in Writing

It seems strange, looking back on it now, that I tried to keep my health problems a secret. Only happy pictures got posted on socials, such as ones of Aviemore Stone Circle and Reindeer in the Cairngorms. The gargantuan effort it took to get to these places, or how I hardly left the car, did not get mentioned.

I didn’t want it to be true. I wanted to ‘snap out of it’. Because I didn’t want that to be the way of me.

I still don’t, of course, and it is generally better now, flare ups aside. I guess I’m becoming more open and accepting of the situation, and I like to write honestly everywhere, not just in my books.

Big Blog

From bed I shared the news of my guest post on the official tourism site for Aberdeen and Aberdeenshire: 10 Mystical and Magical Places in Aberdeenshire. Below is Pitsligo Castle, one of the sites featured in that post.

Ducks by Loch Morlich

On the pictured morning I walked very slowly from the car to the loch, and it was wonderful to be out among such beauty. I was on the banks of Loch Morlich before the ducks were up! And probably back in bed before they were too…

My Latest Historical Novel

Sisters at the Edge of the World by Ailish Sinclair

“Ethereal and spellbinding….” Historical Novel Society

Amazon UK

Amazon Worldwide

See the press release here

Read the article Roman Aberdeenshire features in author’s new book from Grampian Online.

About Page

See my About Page here

Writer’s Tip Jar

February 24, 2023May 25, 2023

A Small Blue Ball of Pain

oorange tulip behind barbed wire — Tulip behind barbed wire

Originally posted May 2022 in the midst of an autoimmune flare-up.

Small Blue Ball

I am a small blue ball of pain.

Curled up.

Can’t eat. Can’t sleep. Can’t write.

Life on hold.

Wondering what went wrong. Why I am here again.

A pause by the bluebell woods on the way back from hospital. A biopsy may provide answers to the mystery of me and my strange body, who knows?

The flowers smell sweet. I breathe them in.

Pink

An easing comes. A moving on from the small blue ball. A sort of ‘pinkening’. Lilac flowers are taken in from the garden, and I sit in a delicately scented cloud of beauty.

Then, a few steps, and I am outside.

It is glorious. Painful still, but better. I can envision being well again.

The sunshine. The breeze. I love it all.

pink bench and blossom — Blossom caught in the pink bench.

Writing

Thoughts of writing come. I left my poor characters in the middle of the battle of Mons Graupius between the Romans and the Caledonian tribes. War. A situation far worse than my own. I must release them from it soon.

Cover Reveal

Before all this, before I became ill again, a cover was designed. My own photos of stones from Aikey Brae Stone Circle were used.

The main character in the book is neurodivergent.

As am I.

Illness makes me open, bared and true. Pain peels back layers of politeness and hesitancy and doubt. I just say things. And, I just am.

I still hope for a summer release, a later one obviously, maybe early autumn. My body will have its say in the matter. But it will come…

Update: Sisters at the Edge of the World came out in September 2022

When Morragh speaks to another person for the very first time, she has no idea that he is an invader in her land…

Amazon UK

Amazon Worldwide/Barnes & Noble

See the article Roman Aberdeenshire features in author’s new book from Grampian Online.

Newsletter and Updates

Sign up to the mailing list for news about my life and writing, and some exclusive photos. If you would rather just hear about new books and offers, you can follow my Amazon author page.

My About Page

Read about little old me here!

Writer’s Tip Jar

January 31, 2023August 25, 2023

A Snaggled, Barbarous Place

Snaggled

A snaggled and barbarous place. That’s where I am. No, I’m not ill again. In fact, I’m doing quite well. Well enough to sit at my desk and write every day, anyway. I’m deep in relationship conflict and development in CABRIOLE, the second book in my dark and romantic ballet series, A Dancer’s Journey. And I’m LOVING it.

Release

These books will be out later this year. I don’t want to rush them. And I also don’t want to put them, even the first one, TENDU, which is actually ready now, up for pre-order before they’re all finished. Because, what if I did become ill? And then there was a terribly long gap between books? No, no, no.

They’re going to be released a month apart, so there will be no long waits for readers. No cliffhanger endings either. Each book completes its story. But then there’s more. So much more.

Update

The books are available to pre-order now!

Series on Amazon UK

Series on Amazon worldwide

Page with blurbs and quotes

Losing the Plot

My poor characters. They’re still recovering from a devastating event that happened in the first book, and now they’re struggling with yet more difficult and complicated things. It’s no wonder they like it when I have a day out. This time their problems are of their own making, though, as stated in the quote above. This was not the plot that I originally envisaged for them. They got away from me. But they’ll sort it all out, and they’ll think everything’s fine. And then a mysterious child will walk up some steps into book three, and turmoil will begin again 🙂

Snowdrops

And look what’s happened in the garden. The appearance of the snowdrops always feel so sudden. And so hopeful. Not snaggled in any way. Spring approaches.

My Historical Fiction

SISTERS AT THE EDGE OF THE WORLD opens on a snowy winter solstice in 1st century Scotland. The main character is neurodivergent, and has been non-verbal until that first scene of the book.
If you like castles, Scotland, history, witches, stone circles and Christmas done medieval-style, you might like THE MERMAID AND THE BEAR. There’s also a love story.
FIREFLIES AND CHOCOLATE was inspired by the kidnapped children of 18th century Aberdeen, and is set in both Scotland and Colonial Pennsylvania.

They’re all available in paperback, kindle and on kindle unlimited.

Amazon UK

Amazon Worldwide

Signed copies from me

Go here to sign up for occasional emails that always include exclusive photos and news of my writing and life. They’re a more intimate space than the blog.

Writer’s Tip Jar

November 6, 2022March 17, 2023

The First Frost of Winter

We’ve had the first frost, that seasonal reminder of what real cold actually is. Many of the trees are bare now and the skies are icy blue.

The first frost at the side of the track, Scotland

It does make for crisp, less muddy walks.

In the older post Walking the Witchy Ways of Aberdeen, I mentioned that I was called ‘weather obsessed’ in the Evening Standard. Recent writings here do suggest that might, in fact, be the case. I’ve certainly been waxing lyrical about autumn all over the blog.

But, you see, I often miss seasonal beauty due to medical condition flare-ups. I remember being sad about missing autumn last year. Seeing it through the windows was no substitute for marching through those crunchy leaves.

So, this year, I march. And I stop to appreciate the sparkle of that first frost.

Sisters at the Edge of the World

Romans + Celts = some rather complicated romance!

Set in 1st century Scotland, the novel features a neurodivergent main character, chosen sisters, fierce warriors and the battle of Mons Graupius between the Romans and the Caledonian tribes.

Amazon UK

Amazon Worldwide

From recent reviews:

An extraordinary read.
A fabulous story.
Eye-opening, heartbreaking and beautiful.

Available in paperback, kindle and on Kindle Unlimited.

Writer’s Tip Jar

October 13, 2022May 13, 2023

A Swashbuckling Adventure Through Hospital Windows

St Nicolas Kirk through a hospital window

This hospital windows post was originally posted in 2020.

Diagnosis and Drugs

The start of the post title is a bit of a lie. In fact it’s a total fabrication. There’s no derring-dos on the high seas recounted here. I do have crutches, so am a bit peg-legged and I like to think there’s an (imaginary) parrot on my shoulder. I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder, so my body has basically been trying to kill me. I’m now on medication to stop those efforts, but I have to be checked once a week in case the drug makes its own attempts to kill me. So there are elements of a thriller genre at work in my life.

Finding Beauty through Hospital Windows

During my month of cannulas, needles, tests and scary procedures I sought beauty where I could find it. Through the hospital windows. I woke the first morning to a beautiful pink sunrise and a rather wonderful view of St Nicholas Kirk steeple, the church that features in THE MERMAID AND THE BEAR. Despite the fact that I wrote of truly terrible events involving that steeple, I found it somewhat comforting to see it there. I felt a connection to the place. It lit up in the evening sun too.

Strange Covid Times

But I was soon moved. This was something that was being done due to Covid. Constant rearranging of patients between wards. Decisions made by ‘bed managers’, not medics. It didn’t make any sense to me, and the medical staff were pretty unimpressed by it too.

However, it meant that I got to see through many different windows. This next ward – oncology – had the worst view, just a small box of buildings, but the best bed. Air mattresses are magical things. Lying in them is a little bit like being hugged as they inflate and deflate to maximise your comfort.

I was soon off to sparkling chimney sunrises and sunsets.

shiny chimneys through the hospital windows

The Party Room

Then, finally, the last of the hospital windows. At first I was quite annoyed about this move. Diagnosed and treated, just awaiting final tests, I was shunted away to what felt like a far flung area of the hospital, and I no longer had my own room. I posted a somewhat morose quote from Lord of the Rings about the sunrise that morning on Instagram.

But, it really worked out very well. The other three ladies I was with were lovely. There was kindness and understanding between us all and we shared frequent laughing conversations, our room being referred to as the party room by the nurses.

And it had a swashbuckling sea view… just.

Review

While I was in hospital, a rather wonderful review went up on The Rose and the Thistle blog. Reading the opening line cheered me up instantly! “Before I go any further, I just have to say, this is one of the most beautifully written books I have ever read. Yes, it is written in one of my favorite time periods, and yes it takes place in one of my favorite places in all the world, but when you combine that with the almost poetic style of Sinclair’s writing—sigh!” See the whole review here.

Mermaid on Amazon

I later wrote an article on living with chronic illness

Doctors and Deadlines: Writing with Chronic Illness on Women Writers, Women’s Books.

My Latest Novel

From the provocative opening scene to the later dramatic and devastating events of the story, SISTERS AT THE EDGE OF THE WORLD is a book that will continually surprise, delight, and sometimes shock the reader. The novel features the beautiful hill of Bennachie, and the stone circles of Aberdeenshire, along with the cliffs and caves of Cullykhan Bay.

“Ethereal and spellbinding….” Historical Novel Society

Amazon UK

Amazon Worldwide

Read the article Aberdeenshire in Roman times takes centre stage in author’s latest book from AberdeenLive.

See my About Page here

Come through the castle door to sign up to my occasional emails for exclusive photos and news of my writing and life. It’s a more intimate space than the blog.