chronic illness Archives - Ailish Sinclair

November 18, 2025November 18, 2025

Crying While Writing: anyone else do this?

Crying while writing: Star of Bethlehem flowers — Star of Bethlehem in the meadow

Crying while writing. Crying while editing. And even crying while thinking about writing, as the scenes, both happy and sad, play out in my mind. It’s no wonder I’m sometimes dehydrated!

So, am I the only one?

Tell me I’m not.

I can’t be.

Emotive writing is, just that. Springing from emotion. Causing of emotions. If the writer isn’t fully immersed, how can the reader ever be?

crying while writing: Rhododendron flowers on the pink bench — Rhododendron flowers on the pink bench

So. I sob on.

The latest line, from SISTERS, to set me off was: In the midst of great loss, the newness of a baby helps.

Floods.

Breathlessness.

I’m welling up just looking at the line now, overcome by all that it references.

Editing

This emotional aspect of writing is one of the many reasons good, thorough, even brutal, editing is so important. We, or at least I, need someone less attached, someone who did not write the words and scenes, to look at the work objectively and say: this could be better; this is not clear; were you under the influence of one of your stronger prescription drugs when you wrote this? Because in our, or my, invested blubbering state, we might not see it. We might not know.

The book is on its way back for edit three soon (GWL did spoil me with their three editing process, and I won’t do less now), so all is well there.

It is possible that illness is making me worse, crying-wise. I feel a bit pathetic and vulnerable. But that will pass. I will get stronger again. And you’ll get nice sensible and scenic posts about castles and standing stones 🙂

But for now, I recover – from both medical conditions and writing – in the garden. Among the flowers. With a candle.

This post was originally published in 2022. The book mentioned above is out now, detailed below.

Sisters at the Edge of the World

When Morragh speaks to another person for the very first time, she has no idea that he is an invader in her land…

Set in 1st century Scotland, SISTERS AT THE EDGE OF THE WORLD includes the battle of Mons Graupius between the Romans and the Caledonian tribes. The book features a neurodivergent main character and some rather complicated romance…

Amazon UK

Amazon Worldwide

“Ethereal and spellbinding…” Historical Novel Society

Read the article Roman Aberdeenshire features in author’s new book from Grampian Online.

Newsletter and Free Story

You will receive a free short story in e-book form when you sign up for my occasional, more-intimate-than-the-blog newsletter (the story can be read in a browser too).

The Performance: sometimes going home for Christmas is just one huge performance…

Author Page and Signed Copies

If you would like to hear about new books and special offers, you can follow my Amazon author page. Signed copies are available from my kofi shop.

About Page

See my About Page here

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September 16, 2025December 17, 2025

A Swashbuckling Adventure Through Hospital Windows

St Nicolas Kirk through a hospital window

This hospital windows post was written in 2020. I’m doing a bit better now.

Diagnosis and Drugs

The start of the post title is a bit of a lie. In fact it’s a total fabrication. There’s no derring-dos on the high seas recounted here. I do have crutches, so am a bit peg-legged and I like to think there’s an (imaginary) parrot on my shoulder. I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder, so my body has basically been trying to kill me. I’m now on medication to stop those efforts, but I have to be checked once a week in case the drug makes its own attempts to kill me. So there are elements of the thriller genre at work in my life.

Finding Beauty through Hospital Windows

During my month of cannulas, needles, tests and scary procedures, I sought beauty where I could find it. Through the hospital windows. I woke the first morning to a beautiful pink sunrise and a rather wonderful view of St Nicholas Kirk steeple, the church that features in THE MERMAID AND THE BEAR. Despite the fact that I wrote of truly terrible events involving that steeple, I found it somewhat comforting to see it there. I felt a connection to the place. It lit up in the evening sun too.

Strange Covid Times

But I was soon moved. This was something that was being done due to Covid. Constant rearranging of patients between wards. Decisions made by ‘bed managers’, not medics. It didn’t make any sense to me, and the medical staff were pretty unimpressed by it too.

However, it meant that I got to see through many different windows. This next ward – oncology – had the worst view, just a small box of buildings, but the best bed. Air mattresses are magical things. Lying in them is a little bit like being hugged as they inflate and deflate to maximise your comfort.

I was soon off to sparkling chimney sunrises and sunsets.

shiny chimneys through the hospital windows

The Party Room

Then, finally, the last of the hospital windows. At first I was quite annoyed about this move. Diagnosed and treated, just awaiting final tests, I was shunted away to what felt like a far-flung area of the hospital, and I no longer had my own room. I posted a somewhat morose quote from Lord of the Rings about the sunrise that morning on Instagram.

But it really worked out very well. The other three ladies I was with were lovely. There was kindness and understanding between us all, and we shared frequent laughing conversations, our room being referred to as the party room by the nurses.

And it had a swashbuckling sea view… just.

Review

While I was in hospital, a rather wonderful review went up on The Rose and the Thistle blog. Reading the opening line cheered me up instantly. “Before I go any further, I just have to say, this is one of the most beautifully written books I have ever read. Yes, it is written in one of my favorite time periods, and yes it takes place in one of my favorite places in all the world, but when you combine that with the almost poetic style of Sinclair’s writing—sigh!” See the whole review here.

Mermaid on Amazon

I later wrote an article on living with chronic illness

Doctors and Deadlines: Writing with Chronic Illness on Women Writers, Women’s Books.

My Latest Historical

From the provocative opening scene to the later dramatic and devastating events of the story, SISTERS AT THE EDGE OF THE WORLD is a book that will continually surprise, delight, and sometimes shock the reader. The novel features the beautiful hill of Bennachie, and the stone circles of Aberdeenshire, along with the cliffs and caves of Cullykhan Bay.

“Ethereal and spellbinding….” Historical Novel Society

Amazon UK

Amazon Worldwide

Read the article Aberdeenshire in Roman times takes centre stage in author’s latest book from AberdeenLive.

My Contemporary Books

A Dancer's Journey series by Ailish Sinclair

My dance background and love of history and steamy stories are what inspired this mix of contemporary romance and ballet set in a castle. Readers of my historical fiction will recognise the castle and stone circle that feature in these books.

A Dancer’s Journey is available in paperback, Kindle and on Kindle Unlimited.

There are no cliffhanger endings in this series; each book completes a story, but then there is more. So much more.

When dance student Amalphia Treadwell embarks on a secret relationship with her charismatic new teacher, she has no idea of the danger that lurks in his school in Scotland…

Series on Amazon UK

Series on Amazon worldwide

Series on Goodreads

Review for TENDU: “This book has so much representation in its characters with autism, dyslexia, medical issues and LGBTQ+ characters…” Emma-Louise on Goodreads and TikTok

About Page

See my About Page here

Come through the castle door to sign up to my occasional emails for exclusive photos and news of my writing and life. It’s a more intimate space than the blog. If you would like to hear about new books and special offers, you can follow my Amazon author page.

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September 16, 2025September 16, 2025

Writing a Monster; Being a Monster

witch, not quite a monster: writing a monster — Arriving at a Halloween party in the past…

This ‘writing a monster’ post was originally posted in 2020. I’m doing much better now, though still writing and researching those historical monsters!

Being a Monster

I don’t need a Halloween costume this year (2020). I already look like a monster. The medication I’m on to stop my body killing me (condition lamented here) has made my face swell up. Like a moon. It is a well documented side effect actually referred to as ‘moonface’. The same drug is also causing insomnia, so I have massive eye bags that extend to what feels like halfway down my face. There’s quite a lot of bandage action across my body too, which adds an air of mummification fun to the whole ensemble.

I’m also pale. Pale like a ghost.

Writing a Monster

However, being a monster on the outside, in appearance, is nothing to being truly monstrous. While researching witch-hunting in preparation for writing THE MERMAID AND THE BEAR, I wanted to find a real monster, a person so enthused for the brutal activity that they could become a focal point for that dark energy in the story. History did not give him up easily. There was no obvious individual in the court documents or confessions. But I hunted him down and finally cornered the rogue in the financial accounts of Aberdeen.

In September 1597 William Dunn, Dean of Guild, was awarded, £47 3s 4d (the equivalent of £6000 in today’s money) for taking ‘extraordinary pains in the burning of a great number of witches’. It was unusual for someone to be given a large lump sum like this. With the exception of some witch prickers and those who sought to escheat their rich relatives, money was not commonly a motivating factor in the witch trials. William Dunn’s job was being in charge of the public money of the town, so he basically gave the cash to himself. I found you, Sir, and I made you smell of rotten fish! If you read the historical notes section of the book, you’ll see that I’ve also cast him as a metaphorical, though very real, devil.

mummification fun: writing a monster — Bandage action!

So now I’m editing FIREFLIES AND CHOCOLATE and, 150 years later, there is brief mention of the Dean of Guild again. It does seem to be a role associated with making money from the suffering of others, at least, historically, in Aberdeen. And, again, I am writing a monster.

Mermaid Review

There’s a review I forgot to mention earlier, being rather distracted by the task of becoming a monster. It’s from Undiscovered Scotland: “The Mermaid and the Bear is a delight from end to end. There is a superb level of description in the book, that transports the reader back to the sights, sounds and smells of 16th Century life in a Scottish castle.” See the whole review here.

A spooky wee quote for this spooky old season:

dungeon quote from THE MERMAID AND THE BEAR - writing a monster

Chosen Sisters, Romans and Romance

Ethereal and spellbinding... says the Historical Novel Society of SISTERS AT THE EDGE OF THE WORLD

Set in 1st century Scotland, my latest book, SISTERS AT THE EDGE OF THE WORLD, includes the battle of Mons Graupius between the Romans and the Caledonian tribes. The book features a neurodivergent main character and some rather complicated romance.

“Ethereal and spellbinding….” Historical Novel Society

See the press release here

Amazon UK

Amazon Worldwide

Review from Terry Tyler: “It’s a fabulous story, a real page-turner and so well written. It made me think about the passage and circle of time, of the constancy of the land on which we live and the transient nature of human life. Loved it.“

Read the article Roman Aberdeenshire features in author’s new book from Grampian Online.

See my About Page

Newsletter and Free Story

You will receive a free short story when you sign up for my occasional, more-intimate-than-the-blog newsletter (the story can be read in a browser too).

The Performance: sometimes going home for Christmas is just one huge performance…

New Books and Special Offers

If you would like to hear about new books and special offers, you can follow my Amazon author page.

Writer’s Tip Jar

September 12, 2025September 16, 2025

Colours of Autumn

The colours of autumn are all around now. Wind and rain too. And, sometimes, glorious golden sunshine, bright and hot and surprising.

Colours of autumn: heather by the witch stone

The heather is blooming by the Witch Stone.

Shadows deepen as the season progresses, and it does that quickly here in Scotland.

I have flu. I think my immune system is flexing its muscles after coming off the latest immune-suppressing medication. But I’ll be careful. Not like this previous time when I said I was recovering from flu and ended up in hospital with a collapsed lung…

I’m not nearly that ill, so I can write (Alexander is getting there now) and I can sit in the sun. So things are quite good really 🙂

A Dancer’s Journey Series

Scotland’s all misty lochs and magical forests and perfect boyfriends, right?

When dance student Amalphia Treadwell embarks on a secret relationship with her rich, handsome teacher, she has no idea of the danger that lurks in his new school in Scotland…

Series on Amazon UK

Series on Amazon worldwide

Review of the third title in the series on twitter/X this morning: Fouetté is sooooooooo goooooood! One of my top ten favorite books of all time!

About Page

See the About Page here

Go here to sign up for my occasional emails that always include some exclusive photos and news of my writing and life. If you would like to hear about new books and offers, you can follow my Amazon author page.

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July 21, 2025July 21, 2025

A Misty Monday Morning

Marching through the woods. Past the bell heather. Down the hill and through the trees.

New Reviews for Castle Dancers

I did nothing to get reviews for this series, putting out no ARCS at all. I was protecting my health this time, as I’d previously found the whole ARC thing quite stressful. Organic reviews from lovely readers are trickling in now, though.

On X:

On Amazon.com/Goodreads:

About the Series:

Meet Ariel and her classmates, Bubbles and Alexander, along with a whole cast of vibrant characters, as they experience love, life and adventure at the most prestigious dance school in Scotland.

Each book in this coming-of-age series delves into the personal struggles and heartfelt romances of a different student over the course of a school year. As the spotlight shifts its focus within the old walls of the castle, there are television shows to be made and dark truths to be faced.

Join these young dancers as they whirl through their challenges, forge unbreakable bonds, and discover the power within themselves. Are you ready to travel to Northern Scotland, step into the castle school and dance through the deep dark of the dungeon?

Castle Dancers Series on Amazon UK

Castle Dancers Series on Amazon Worldwide

castle dancers series by ailish sinclair

Newsletter and Free Story

You will receive a free short story when you sign up for my occasional, more-intimate-than-the-blog newsletter (the story can be read in a browser too).

The Performance: sometimes going home for Christmas is just one huge performance…

When Ariel returns home from dance college, her mother expects her to perform the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy in a pink, sequined tutu in front of many, many party guests. Ariel adjusts the costume and choreography to expose dark truths about her life, but, as it turns out, this is not the biggest performance of the night…

New Books and Special Offers

If you would like to hear about new books and special offers, you can follow my Amazon author page.

See my About Page here

Writer’s Tip Jar

July 15, 2025November 24, 2025

Spoonie Days, a Pink Sunrise and Snowy Spring

Post from 2022. That was a beautiful pink sunrise a few weeks ago over a local doocot. Before I got ill. And spoonie time started. Again. Sigh.

Having revelled my way through the beauty of winter, celebrating the fact I was staying so well, I have been struck down once more. But I’ve been a lot worse. And I’m not in hospital, so that’s good. And, as my appearance here today shows, the medication is starting to kick in.

Spoonie Days

I have managed to keep up my writing schedule. My first spoon of the day goes on that. There’s quite a good explanation of the term spoonie here. Basically, spoons represent the energy you have for tasks and activities each day. And with chronic illness, the spoons can be very limited.

A Dancer’s Journey Series

These books are long, and involved. They’re rather a Magnum Opus at over 100,000 words each. They’re all at different stages of the editing/proofing process. I’m so enjoying working with all the editing feedback and bringing them together into something strange, intense and, hopefully, beautiful. So they will still be out this year. I will not stop till they’re done. Update: Amazon!

But that’s my blogging spoon spent. For today. I’ll leave you with the scene that greets me most mornings at the moment… I’m not sure what happened to spring!

My Books

Historical Fiction from Ailish Sinclair. Witches, kidnapping, Romans and romance.

SISTERS AT THE EDGE OF THE WORLD opens on a snowy winter solstice in 1st century Scotland. The main character is neurodivergent, and has been non-verbal until that first scene of the book.
If you like castles, Scotland, history, witches, stone circles and Christmas done medieval-style, you might like THE MERMAID AND THE BEAR. There’s also a love story.
FIREFLIES AND CHOCOLATE was inspired by the kidnapped children of 18th century Aberdeen, and is set in both Scotland and Colonial Pennsylvania.

They’re all available in paperback, kindle and on kindle unlimited.

Amazon UK

Amazon Worldwide

Newsletter and Updates

Go here to sign up for occasional emails that always include some exclusive photos and news of my writing and life. They’re a more intimate space than the blog. If you would rather just hear about new books and offers, you can follow my Amazon author page.

Writer’s Tip Jar

July 6, 2025December 17, 2025

Swooning Among the Flowers

swooning pot — Swooning pot on the patio

From Vocabulary.com: To swoon is to faint, due to lack of blood to the brain. Illness, fear, stress, and even happiness can cause people to swoon.

Any bit of exertion carries such a risk for me just now, or, at least, I need to lie down after it.

swooning under the cherry blossom — Cherry blossom

But I have to walk – slowly – among the flowers. They’re just so beautiful.

Exhaustion levels are deep this time, this flare, this recovery. So are thoughts. Realisations. Illness can bring great clarity. And that’s good. It will lead to better things, better times. I think. I hope.

A minuscule amount of gardening has been achieved; no swooning involved!

A Dancer’s Journey Series

Scotland’s all misty lochs and magical forests and perfect boyfriends, right?

When dance student Amalphia Treadwell embarks on a secret relationship with her charismatic new teacher, she has no idea of the danger that lurks in his school in Scotland…

My dance background and love of history and spicy stories are what inspired this wild mix of contemporary romance and ballet set in a castle. Readers of my historical fiction will recognise that castle and the stone circle in these books.

There are no cliffhanger endings in this series; each book completes a story, but then there is more. So much swoony more. Read all the blurbs here

Series on Amazon UK

Series on Amazon worldwide

Book covers of A Dancer's Journey series by Ailish Sinclair: celebratory dance. Shoes ready for pointe work.

Sisters at the Edge of the World

When Morragh speaks to another person for the very first time, she has no idea that he is an invader in her land…

Amazon UK

Amazon Worldwide

About Page

Bio, socials, articles and interviews.

Sign up to the mailing list for news about my life and writing, and some exclusive photos. If you would like to hear about new books and offers, you can follow my Amazon author page.

Writer’s Tip Jar

May 13, 2025September 16, 2025

Roseisle Beach and Pine Forest

Roseisle is a beautiful place. The beach is golden and stretches for miles between Findhorn and Burghead, and every time I’ve been there, the sky has been bright blue.

It was the perfect place for me to visit recently. I had to come off my latest medication due to side effects, and I was frightened that I was experiencing the first signs of becoming unwell. This stage of chronic illness is always a balancing act between resting and getting things done while I can. So, I gallivanted gently, and so far, I am still well 🙂

Roseisle Beach

There are pillboxes and concrete blocks all along the beach, defences left in place from the Second World War. People use them as shelters and picnic tables today.

Roseisle Forest

The forest, planted in the 1930s, is rather magnificent too.

In the open area, there are picnic tables, and toilets, and even a food truck; the skin-on fries were very good.

Forestry and Land Scotland site

Info on foodtrucks in the area

I did gallivant on a little further up the coast:

Burghead Pictish Fort

Burghead Well

A Dancer’s Journey – a completed series

He’s a damaged diva, used to getting his own way. She’s an autistic ballet girl who speaks her truth without tact. What could possibly go wrong?

Series on Amazon UK

Series on Amazon worldwide

Scotland’s all misty lochs and magical forests and perfect boyfriends, right?

When dance student Amalphia Treadwell embarks on a secret relationship with her rich, handsome teacher, she has no idea of the danger that lurks in his new school in Scotland…

My About Page

See the About Page here

Writer’s Tip Jar

May 12, 2025May 12, 2025

Cherry Blossom and Wellness – the Flowers of May

Cherry Blossom and Geranium

I started this little rampage of flower posts with a blossom: apple. I’m ending with cherry. And a geranium. A pink and pretty celebration of summer and wellness.

Wellness

I used a blue to pink metaphor previously when writing about health. That seems like a really long time ago now. Lots has happened. Time has passed.

It’s great being out in the garden this year, managing to stay relatively well and do more. I’ve learned a lot about what triggers my body to have an immune response since my last hospital stay. Sometimes it’s odd things, things that should be healthy but, to me, they’re not. Sometimes it’s emotional, other times physical. Clichés spring to mind: knowing your limits; protecting your space. I’m better at those now.

And today, I’m off out into the garden again to plant sunflower and marigold seeds. No doubt they’ll appear here if successful!

Castle Dancers Series

Alexander’s Blurb

When Alexander turns eighteen, he learns that he has inherited a castle, the one that houses the dance school he attends, to be exact. He’s always wanted a do-over, a chance to fix the broken parts of himself and his life. Could this be it?

Instead of allowing the school to continue on as normal, Alexander throws the students and teachers out and claims the castle as his own.

At first he’s lonely. At first he’s hesitant. Will he have any friends left after this? The events of his uncle’s televised wedding at the castle prove that, while Alexander definitely still has friends, his broken ankle is actually the least damaged part of him.

Within the ancient castle walls, a world of dark family secrets is revealed. Join Alexander as he dances on the edge of sanity and survival, navigating through the flames of his turbulent past to forge a new future.

Latest review here on the Wee Writing Lassie’s blog: Yes finally!!! After years of stealing the spotlight in other people’s books, the great bad boy of ballet finally gets his own. Inheriting your own castle? Kicking your Dad out of his job? Just another day living the rebel son’s dream. What could possibly go wrong? [One book read later] And the answer is … everything. Everything could go wrong 😀

Castle Dancers Series on Amazon UK

Castle Dancers Series on Amazon Worldwide

Blog posts on the series

Inherit a castle - the house at Logie Estate - cherry blossom post

Newsletter and Free Story

You will receive a free short story when you sign up for my occasional, more-intimate-than-the-blog newsletter (the story can be read in a browser too).

The Performance: sometimes going home for Christmas is just one huge performance…

New Books and Special Offers

If you would like to hear about new books and special offers, you can follow my Amazon author page.

About Page

See my About Page here

Writer’s Tip Jar

April 30, 2025June 23, 2025

Pointe Work and a Daring Leotard

Reflections

Looking back on this post from a year ago. Reflecting on the past twelve months. Determining to stay well now. To not burn myself out again. In a year’s time I want to be writing about dancing around doing pointe work and getting books out and visiting castles and other lovely places. Maybe I’ll even wear a red leotard. Probably not to visit a castle. But, you never know… 😀

Back to the original post:

Would a strappy red leotard distract the eye from my puffer-fish face or accentuate it? The many thin straps of the garment crisscrossed my back in a pleasing design. It was different. It was daring. I wore it.

The above quote is from TENDU, the first book of A Dancer’s Journey, a romantic-suspense series. The main character, Amalphia, has just been through some relationship turmoil, again, and is returning to class after injury caused by an inappropriate level of pointe work. The red leotard gets her into a surprising amount of trouble.

Her injury came from being asked to perform every exercise in class en pointe. This is something that I took from my own life.

Memories of Pointe Work

One week at college, our usual morning-class teacher – the late great Imogen Claire – was absent and a substitute put in place. This new teacher decided I needed to be stretched and pushed and had me do everything en pointe. Just me. Nobody else. This singling-out drew a few nasty looks from the other dancers. But really, there was nothing to be jealous about.

Because it really was everything. Every bend. Every jump. I love jumping en pointe. I still do it sometimes. But as a training method in morning class, this excessive pointe work made no sense. It removed the benefit of many of the exercises, and I limped off to the other lessons of the day improperly warmed-up.

After two days of this, my feet were sore. After a week, they were a mess. But then Imogen returned with her no-nonsense approach to teaching and ballet, and I healed.

Imogen Claire and Christopher Biggins in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. — Imogen looks through her glasses in disapproval (Rocky Horror Picture Show 1975). Christopher Biggins, to the left there, once said very insightful things to me while judging my annual assessment at college.

There was no need for extra pointe work as we were blessed with a specialist teacher for that. At first I was surprised to learn that the class was taught by a man, but Gary Harris was a true expert on the subject, performing all the steps en pointe himself in his soft trainers at the front of the studio.

So, dance-school memories indulged, it’s time to head back into the next manuscripts. There’s a connected series coming…

A Dancer’s Journey Series

Scotland’s all misty lochs and magical forests and perfect boyfriends, right?

When dance student Amalphia Treadwell embarks on a secret relationship with her charismatic new teacher, she has no idea of the danger that lurks in his school in Scotland…

There are no cliffhanger endings in this series; each book completes a story, but then there is more. So much more. Read all the blurbs here

Series on Amazon UK

Series on Amazon worldwide